Moody, Moody, Blue

       People, I've got the blues. Things are changing and it's gotten me a little down. Not all of the changes are bad, but I was unprepared to deal with them. A friend moved away. Another friend discarded me from her life. Not a bad thing, however not knowing the precise reason why, gets under my skin when I think about it for to long. And last but not least, I have realized that another friend is entirely self centered and I hate that it has taken me as long as it has to realize it and now I'm not sure what to do about it. Eh, whatev! 

     I have to admit that putting these feelings down on paper is helping me to organize my thoughts. Still got those blues though. I think sometimes you just need them. The cynicism, the I don't give a shit, the I'm apathetic and am not gonna cry for anyone else's benefit kind of blues! The ones where you just wanna sit back, listen to your favorite music, drink a stiff poison of your choice and enjoy your sadness and anger. Yep, that is exactly what I'm doing and it suits me just fine for the moment. 

    So cheers to just being in a mood! And to those who understand what it's like. Ironically it feels pretty damn good. The only thing that would make it better would be a big thunderstorm with plenty of rain to wash some stress away. 

   

Heavy weight. Heavy?? Wait!!

Oh my, oh my, time to discuss one of my top ten favorite subjects. Weight. Does that word make you want to cringe? I know it makes me want to. 
So what brings this subject to light for my blog? Well, for awhile I have been having twinges of guilt for not exercising the way I should and for gaining weight since having my youngest child, who is about to turn one. But the thing that really pushed it over the edge for me was actually working out to an exercise dvd that I have done hundreds of times in the past with ease and finding that I could barely finish the work out. Not only could I barely finish it, but I also had to modify some of the routines and moves because my fat was in the way. No seriously, it wasn't a flexibility problem, or anything else, it literally was IN THE WAY. Oh my god, really?!?!?! I wanted to die. I don't know where my denial stepped in and blinded me or why I thought I could just continue on eating crap and not being active but there it was, undeniable any longer. A fat roll physically blocking me from completing a simple pilates move. I have decided that fat rolls are now my mortal enemy and must be defeated! Unless they are on babies because that's just adorable. But on adult women, not so adorable. 
So after getting emotional and having a good pity party for myself, and yes I was tempted to eat to make myself feel better, I took a deep breath and thought back to all the things I have been doing to sabotage my fantasy of a healthier, better looking me. People be prepared, it's ugly, embarrassingly ugly, but I'm going to confess it all because I need to get it out there and get past it.


1. I am guilty of saying I'm never drinking soda again and then still drinking it.
2. I am guilty of lounging/sleeping ALL day.
3. I am guilty of eating an entire sleeve of cookies in one sitting.
4. I am guilty of being capable of eating half a pizza by myself (sometimes I think I should've been a dude)
5. I am guilty of revolving almost all activities around food.
6. I am guilty of eating junk food while watching The Biggest Loser on tv. (I still think that's kind of funny)
7. I despise pictures of myself. My own wedding pictures make me feel ashamed. It sucks.
8. I am guilty of dressing strategically, having perfectly styled hair, and wearing designer applied make-up to distract people from seeing the full impact of my weight. 
9. Confidence can be faked and insecurities can be cleverly hidden when wrapped in little bits of ownership and lots of humor.
10. This is the absolute worst one. My children have gotten a little chunky from eating like me and being inactive, like me. 


That last truth is so sobering. I can't believe that I let that happen. I was a chubby kid and I know what it was like to be the ugly duckling at school (which they are not and will not be now that I've got a clue). But still I should have known better than allow them to even remotely experience what I went through. I don't want them to grow up hating themselves for how they look.
So the transformation begins. New eating habits, regular weigh ins, daily exercise, and lucky for me some great friends that are supportive and will help keep me accountable along the way. Be prepared for future whining, and bragging about my adventure. I promise to keep it humorous because it just wouldn't be me without a few cracks about dimples, jiggling, and funky aches or pains in bizarre places. 

Talking and Saying Nothing at All

I had a lightbulb moment today. It's sad that it has taken me this long to realize this particular lightbulb. I was logged onto my face-book account, reading posts, updating my silly games, and yet somehow feeling utterly left out. As I began reading some of my friends posts and comments to each other I found myself feeling jealous that I hadn't been included in the things they were speaking about. As the feeling set in, I suddenly realized how ridiculous the entire process of social networking can be. Honestly, I know these people, I like them and at one time not that long ago I could just pick up my phone and call them to say hello. Now however, it seems as if everyone is screening their non-digital real lives from reality. They automatically send phone calls to voicemail yet, they are on these social networking sights up to 8 hours a day. What is going on here?! Have we become that out of touch with human interaction? Oh I am not playing the blame game either, I am just as guilty as the next person.
I thought about how many times a day I log on to face-book, and how long it takes me to play the games, and I realized that in the amount of time it takes me to do those things I could have been reading stories with my children, or crafting, cleaning the house the way it should be, or even spending actual physical time with a friend or loved one.
It makes me feel incredibly guilty that I have let modern technology affect my life in such a negative way. So with all of this realization I've decided it's time to clean up my act. The games, gone, done, finite! They truly are a waste of time. I say that with conviction because I have been addicted to them for over a year now. It'd be one thing if I had managed to play them while still being able to keep up on laundry, spend time with kids, spend more time with my husband, keep my house organized, and get to work on time every day, but I didn't and all you'd have to do if you didn't believe me is come over to my house and take a look around to see the evidence for yourself. Pretty sad. But no more, because as I said the games are now over and done with. Also, my social networking time is going to be drastically cut down. I'm talking only 20 minutes a day, if that. Life has been passing me by in a big way and you know, we don't live that long! I have gained a very generous amount of weight, I have let my old routines like manicuring my hands, scrapbooking memories of my children, taking walks, reading and even cooking slip to the way side. I used to find great comfort in all of those things and some others that I didn't list, and I miss it! So I am going to disconnect from the computer connect to my LIFE! I honestly even feel better thinking about it, it's like a weight is being lifted from my shoulders. So my questions to those of you who read this, have you ever felt this way about social networking? Do you find yourself carrying around the digital monkey on your back? And if you want to connect to life yourselves, how do you plan to do so? I'm curious to hear other peoples thoughts and opinions about this.